Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
