I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
