I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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