OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
