i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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