I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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