you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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