I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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