I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
