I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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