watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
