I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
