i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize