tonight lets celebrate not being married
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
