you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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