You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
