you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize