R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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