Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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