Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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