A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
