just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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