he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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