I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
