"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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