I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
