It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
this is an emotional support booty call
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
