so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
