she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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