I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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