I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
