I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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