And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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