i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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