This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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