you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
