Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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