u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
