he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
