Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
MIDGETS
????
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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