So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
