Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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