1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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