3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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