These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When are your genitals available?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
