i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
