That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize