She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize