The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
