How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
