see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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