My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
