I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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