I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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