So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
