They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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