This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She bit a glass in half.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Text me some of your sweat
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
