they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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