If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
