I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
